sayanythinglisa

There are legitimately times when I feel bad for complaining about my life and about my lack of close friends and family and how people screwed me over. Sure, it's nothing good, but things could be so much worse. I've been learning things about people that you would never expect and they're all so...there's not even a word for it. Nothing would be good enough.

I really wish I could save everyone.

I feel like I never learn. I repeat things over and over, maybe thinking or hoping that just this once, it'll be different. Just to get slapped in the face again. Do I believe the best in people? Do I have some semblance of hope for a species that I've never trusted? Am I a horrible person with the ability to be kind, or am I a nice person with the ability to be terrible?

"Monologue No. 1
__ Pages of Bullshit

Think of those days when you just don’t feel good about yourself. You walk around plainly, trying to blend in because you just don’t have it; you can’t work it or move it.

People can tell when you are not confident. They can smell your fear and how uncomfortable you are. They prey upon the weak. And I, I try so hard to hide my weakest parts and yet they are what plague me most. And now I am finally falling apart. I am finally falling apart."

This is the beginning of my first monologue to be put into the written word.

-------------

I have this 6-8 page paper due tomorrow and I'm only half way through the fourth. I have to bake cupcakes, study for a test that's tomorrow and read for another class. Then do all the work that's due the rest of the week, which will also kill me. I went out shopping with my mother just to get reminded why I don't: because my body sucks.
Just because I don't talk about how much I hate my body and how much shit I go through with myself doesn't mean that I don't care and that I can take whatever someone says. Even if it's innocent. And no one is ever going to always be there for me. People suck. Life sucks. This is the part where I just don't want to wake up tomorrow.

I'm sorry this is so angsty. I'm sorry I can't always be happy.

1. Elaborate on your default icon.
Sleepy Hollow. Looks all steampunk.

2. What's your current relationship status?
Single.

3. Ever have a near-death experience?
Nope.

4. Name an obvious quality you have.
I'm unconventional.

5. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?
Jumpers by Sleater-Kinney.

6. Name a celebrity you would marry: Tegan Quin. <33


7. Who will cut and paste this first? I stole this from someone, so probably no one.

8. Has anyone ever said you look like a celebrity?
Someone said I look like Kelly Osbourne a few weeks ago. I wasn't really flattered, but wasn't upset either.

9. Do you wear a watch? What kind? No.

10. Do you have anything pierced? Lobes, cartilage, nose. Might be getting my lip done soon.

11. Do you have any tattoos? No ):

12. Do you like pain?
Haha, yeah.

13. Do you like to shop?
Eh. Sometimes, but mostly no. I do like new things though.

14. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
Mineral spirits.

15. What was the last thing you paid for with your credit card?
I've never had a credit card.

16. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?
My mother.

17. What is on your desktop background?
Tegan and Sara.

18. What is the background on your cell phone?
Some tribal looking mask thing. Sort of.

19. Do you like redheads?
Yes.

20. Do you know any twins?
I met some a few weeks ago and I knew a pair for about three years at one of my high schools.

21. Do you have any weird relatives?
Who doesn't?

22. What was the last movie you watched?
Loving Annabelle; I didn't finish it, though.

23. What was the last book you read?
The last one I finished was The Hunger Games.

Oh no. I want her so bad. It's different today than it has been up to this point and I feel as if I might go crazy. Details on my feelings might be too much for some people, but I just sit there, thinking about my hands on her waist, roaming around, touching her face, laying with her.


Godohgodohgod. I can't even type it out.



So on another note...I am completely stuffed right now. I've been cooking my veggie burgers in a frying pan and putting it between garlic toast (did I say this already? I have no idea) and it's too much. I think it would be cool to have my own vegetarian or vegan restaurant. I've been drinking a lot of chai black spice tea (I think that's what it's called) with soy milk and it's delicious. I have the tofu and everything I'll need for it and Thanksgiving. After dinner with my parents I could go to my friend's place and I had originally thought about baking cupcakes to take over there but I probably won't. If anything, I'll just bring some cookies or something but who knows.

But I'm supposed to make cupcakes this weekend for a class Monday and then make more for the "party" with the KPA and faculty people. Those I plan to make rainbow tye dye. Hopefully. Maybe I can put holiday looking garnish on top! There are a lot of social things going on.. and I only want to be with one person, guh.

Anyway. I also have a paper to write this week/weekend. Other people apparently like where it's going (the rough draft I had today was honestly horrible) and one guy wrote that it was better/cooler than he would have expected out of something feminist. I feel pretty good about that. Actually, I'd love to post on gender and sex. Maybe I'll do that soon.

So because my friend ended up unable to go to the midnight showing of New Moon, we went today. Now let me tell you some things. In the books, I love Edward. Not in the "OMG I WISH I HAD A BOYFRIEND LIKE EDWARD!!1!" but I like him best and prefer him to be with Bella. New Moon, the movie, has changed that. When it comes to the movies, I like Jacob so much better. His character is just WOW in that movie, especially compared to super emo Edward. And I won't lie, he's totally hot. The budding relationship between Jacob and Bella is just so cute. So yeah, I guess I liked it. Enough of that.

Someone called in the middle (I just let it go to voice mail) and invited a friend and I to a Thanksgiving dinner of sorts so we ended up going. I love everyone that was there and enjoy hanging out with them--we always have a good time--but it's totally depressing at the same time. Everyone there is a couple. Or a gay guy/straight girl. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Even my friend is in a long distance relationship and is polyamorous so she dates girls at the same time.

Me? No, of course not. So I think about my past failed relationship, my lack of best friends, get sad, and can't even talk about it. She asks me what's wrong and I just can't tell her because I'm used to not talking about it because of my lack of best friends, etc. BLAH BLAH BLAH. God I am just sick of everything. I just want to get away and have a new life, you know? Maybe not forever, but I think I need a break. Maybe I'll just take tons of ME time over the holiday break. Finals end December 10th and there are two parties that weekend (possibly on the same day). That's where my schedule ends and hopefully that's when I become anti-social.

Tomorrow's plans: write paper, get knitting supplies, get groceries (regular food and for my own Thanksgiving). I honestly don't want to do anything else.

Besides maybe watch a movie or something. Or drink.

I'm slowly getting back into working out. Of course I am nowhere near anything I used to do, but that's what happens when you stop doing anything for months. And I mean -months-. I did a little bit on Tuesday and was too busy yesterday. But I have several free hours right now and plan to get started as soon as I feel my lunch is gone enough. In the meantime I can actually clean this room..

Then I'll get the yoga mat out, clean it, and do some abs and legs, lift some weights, and use the elliptical for a bit. I wish we had a bike machine because I can definitely do that longer than an elliptical or treadmill. I also plan to cut back to one soda a day, which is my main indulgence. I've only had one so far today.

This weekend I have little social plans. I do, however, have lots of homework plans (well, just things that are due). I have to write a paper for Monday, but apparently we should have it done a few days before so my professor can look through some for examples but I haven't even started, and I should also start on my other paper. There's not much else to do for classes because things have slowed down a lot. There's a bit of reading for one and the others are mostly just final exams and papers due the last two weeks of classes/finals. Papers just require a lot of time.

I think I might spend a lot of time tomorrow in the library, actually. I do love spending tons of time there.

Oh! I have to decide on Thanksgiving stuff, ugh! I forgot. Maybe I'll stop by Barnes and Noble to steal a recipe for fried tofu or something. I don't eat meat so I have to find an alternative even though I'll still eat the potato things, cranberry things, pie, maybe stuffing. Thank you, Livejournal, for reminding me of this.

It's almost midnight and I just can't sleep. When I lay in bed, attempting to get some shut eye, my mind just races with things that happened today, how I feel about things, how I wish my life was in a second--because I can't possibly wait for everything. I see myself in awesome boots, riding a vespa scooter with my little helmet and a fake leather jacket.

Possibly with a certain girl. Or going to see another one... (I won't dive too much into these fantasies for the reader's sake).

My backpack on my back, because I'm such a studious..--is that a word? I feel like my French is interfering here--student. With my hand knitted scarf.

And of course I look much better in my head.

So these are all things I will work on! Updates will come as I progress.



My guilty pleasure to admit today: The Twilight Series. I read the first book when it was new, so I'm not just a follower! But I did love them. New Moon looks so much better than the first movie and I'm definitely seeing the midnight showing tomorrow. Anyone else?


Edit; I am also drinking chai tea lattes (or whatever) in my fantasy.

I'm trying to decide what I want for christmas. There are plenty of possibilities, including a vintage typewriter, a turntable, some boots I want, a fake leather jacket, the sims 3, a digital camera, clothes, books and movies, an apron and cookbook(s), a desk. See what I mean?

I really love the idea of a vintage typewriter, so that may be at the top(ish). A turntable would be awesome since I have my parents' old records with no way to listen to them and I really want to. Most of the other things are small and/or cheap, but I really have no camera. I would love an awesome professional one, but I'd be happy with a little digital one that just takes clear pictures.

And when it comes to books, well, I have no idea where to start. Hopefully I'll just get a Barnes and Noble gift card like I did for my birthday. It's just easier to have the money to get myself the books I want. I always want books. And movies can fit into that, too.

O. K. A vintage typewriter, turntable, digital camera, Barnes and Noble gift card, the boots I want, a fake leather jacket and -maybe- Sims 3.



We'll see.

I'll just start with my day today. In my first class we had a few guest speakers. One, who happens to be a supporting faculty member of the KPA, spoke to us about internships. While it's too late for anything in the spring, I'll most likely try to find something for the summer or fall. Then our professor talked about graduate school and someone came to talk about English Education majors and what they can/should do. He was actually in the peace corps, so I just asked him about that.

Basically this all came down to me changing my life's goals. While it isn't a big deal to/on anyone else, it's crazy for me. I feel like I'm already having an indentity crisis at the age of nineteen with this piled on other things. My current goal is to get my BA in English within four years (doable), then go straight for my MA in another school -- one far away ): -- through a fellowship or assistanship which would require me teaching as I got the degree. Which scares the shit out of me. After that I will hopefully get a year or so off to not only relax but do something else. Maybe actually join the peace corps or teach English in another country, like France. Since I know French and love the culture.

After that I guess I'll be going for a PhD. While I've never really thought of doing that, it excites me and scares me all the same. It's difficult, it's longer than getting a BA and it'll kill me for -at least- five years. I have a few professors I'm talking to that will help me but I still have a few years before even trying to get into a school for my MA so it's kind of pointless. I guess part of me feels like I can't do it, like it's just going to be too crazy. They both kept talking about grad school. What about getting the PhD? That's the one that worries me the most. Maybe time and years will make me feel better about it all. But having a PhD sounds awesome. Except that it'll be in English Literature...which is almost useless unless you really are becoming a professor. I need to diversify (already there).

At least I got a long after-class discussion. The flame feels like it's finally burned down but I still can't help but be nervous and get red at certain things. And desire more personal discussions.

I guess I've been thinking about talking about my sexuality with my family. I don't know. Maybe this post can hold off on that for awhile.

Productive things I actually did: found a photo frame to use, started learning a new song on guitar and finished the book.

So I found this ugly frame because it has corner things of tacky gold. I fixed that, though, so I feel useful.
Before:

















After:
The printer was out of ink, so I couldn't print off even one image I wanted to put in there so that's the guitar tabs I shoved in there for the picture. The black (nail polish) looks so much better. And it was so easy.
Here's my guitar:
The song is actually acoustic but that guitar has been long gone thanks to a certain sdoigjsdigjdsgs. I'll hit random letters instead of saying what I want.

Now for the book! The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins (yes, I conformed to this).


Rating: 3.8/5

Summary: Katniss Everdeen lives in a world much different from our own but in the exact same place. What's left of the United States has been divided into thirteen districts with the Capitol that most people never see. The thirteenth district doesn't even exist anymore since the districts rebelled awhile back, leaving the Capitol to blow up the thirteenth to show the other districts just what they could do. And to continue their show of power, they hold an annual battle royale called The Hunger Games. A boy and a girl from each district is randomly picked from slips of paper to compete in the blood shed as they fight for their life. I'll leave it at that.

Why I liked it: The plot, though much like Battle Royale, was fast-paced and actually pretty good. Not too original but I still enjoyed the book. I finished it in about a day or two so clearly it was a page turner for me. The young adult aspect of it wasn't so simplistic in the writing and details that I wanted to chuck it, but it wasn't fantastic writing either. I liked the stronger attributes of the main character since she is a female.

What I didn't like: I've already said it, but the writing wasn't anything to rave about. I also think the author downplayed the savagery that should have occurred. The majority of players were ready to kill and actually went out hunting, but Katniss only kills one person and it's over in a flash. I feel like this is weak and slightly unrealistic as well as predictable. The weaknesses that don't make Katniss a completely strong female role also got to me.

I would still recommend this novel to anyone interested, even if only a little bit. It kept me on my toes and just wanting to know what happens to everyone. The second book doesn't seem like it will be as good, but I'll most likely pick it up sometime soon.

I made mocha cupcakes with cream cheese icing last night (sprinkled a bit of espresso on top, too).
I spent most of the day with my mother, going to lunch (red lobster) and to the movies. We saw [i]The Box[/i]. It was terrible. It's not what the previews made it out to be and it was just too weird and had too much of a religious aspect for me. It was long and not much happened so I was bored a lot, which usually doesn't happen to me.
Plus, spending the day with my mom doesn't usually go over well. She always nags me about stupid things. "Make sure you keep your grades up," "you shouldn't be taking ibuprofen," blah blah blah. She is going to make me go crazy one of these days.

I vacuumed for her today, though. Hopefully she'll get me a new power cord for my laptop. I still have to clean my room and at least write up my proposal for an English paper. I'm not even sure of my topic yet. A friend might come over to watch a DVR'd show and eat some of my cupcakes (hah) but who knows.

Tomorrow is Monday. I'm so excited.

I am currently obsessed with these girls--Tegan and Sara. I don't know why it took me so long to finally listen to their stuff and learn about them and honestly, I have the biggest crush on Tegan. They're giving a show here in February and I am definitely going to be a little fangirl and go all crazy.

Actually, that mixed with my crush on a few other people all makes me feel like I'm becoming a total lesbian. If that's the case I wouldn't really mind but it is weird to think of suddenly changing after being one way your whole life. I've always been bisexual so it's not that big of a deal. The oddest thing is that people keep trying to justify it for me and it goes something like this:

Lisa: Hey! So I think I'm becoming a lesbian (lol)
Friend: Oh.. well it's just your professor. And everyone loves Tegan and Sara, they're great. Even I love them.
Lisa: Wait, what? I don't care if I am. Why are you trying to explain it all?
Friend: (has nothing to say so something irrelevant comes up)

Maybe my friends don't think I really am or they just don't...well, I'm not sure. I don't want to say they don't like it. The majority of my friends are actually really cool with gay people or they're bi or gay themselves. So who knows.

I set out on being vegan today but I don't think that's going to work. While it'd be awesome, I'm not completely against using byproducts from animals like milk and eggs that people have been getting since pretty much forever. Plus, it would help if I could go out and actually buy vegan products instead of just having some possibly vegan bread and butter.

I bring you "V"! ABC's new show is a remake but I honestly have never heard of it before. Nonetheless, the pilot was fantastic. I feel like too much happened in the first episode which could leave the rest lacking but it kept me entertained the entire time. I am very excited for the rest of the season but part of me thinks it could be the new "Lost." By that I mean it takes 10 seasons to get anywhere--hopefully that doesn't happen. At a certain number of seasons, a show needs to wrap up.

But I am reading and I will hopefully finish soon because I want to write reviews and finally make a dent in all of my reading lists. There are just so many books, so little time.

 I want to post something good, but I'm not sure what to post.

Tomorrow (Halloween!) I am: getting my hair cut super short (most likely--I'm so scared) and going to Pride in ATL in my Athena costume, mask and all. Hopefully the weather is better than today. I'm definitely excited for Pride since I've never been and a lot of my friends are going. I also hope my hair doesn't look horrible.

I wish I could keep my room super clean and I wish I had a desk in my room and that I got homework done ahead of time. Ah well.

So my "best" friend and I are in a fight. She was/is my best friend simply because I'm closest to her, but she has her own best friends (which she points out a lot). One night she goes to meet this guy, gets drunk, makes out with him and then falls asleep on some couch with him. Before this, she has never kissed a guy, had a boyfriend, anything. Five days later they were in a relationship. This past Tuesday we had plans to see a movie on campus but after asking me many questions about the movie, she asks if I want to go to a "mutual" friend's house instead. She's sick, she's upset, she just can't drive out to campus. Yet, this other friend only lives a mile or two away from the actual campus...why does she want to go? Her new boyfriend wants to go out with his best friend. Oh, but it's not about what her boyfriend wants or is doing. She just can't be in a room of strangers. She's sick.

So she can't stay home? That I would understand. If that had been the case, I would have said "okay, get better." But she's flaking out on me to go hang out with someone else. Like always. I'm so mad I can't even speak. But she clearly is just fine with the whole thing and will barely talk to me because I, a friend of over a year, am nothing compared to her other best friends and a brand new boyfriend. I already know she's told her best friend about it because said friend defriended me on Facebook. I hated her anyway, but really? There was a reason I didn't have FB for awhile. If my clubs had other places to display all the meetings and what-not, I would just deactivate it after defriending everyone.

I just don't know what to do. Part of me knows it's just another person who's screwed me over that can be dumped like everyone else, but I'm honestly sick of feeling like that person for everyone else. I can't change it, though. I can't change their minds or feelings. I'll just go to have no one to hang out with outside of school things, I'll do homework and read my books. I don't know if I want to make friends anymore.

I have recently decided to take on movie watching. Sure, I watch movies a lot, but I want to get into older movies as well as foreign movies. I made some lists for the foreign ones first.

Have seen (that I remember):
Y Tu Mama Tambien
The Dreamers
Amelie
Suicide Club
Battle Royale
Spirited Away
4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days


Ones I plan to watch sometime soon:
8 1/2
Contempt
Nosferatu
Forbidden Games
The Virgin Spring
Cinema Paradiso
Life is Beautiful
La Belle Personne
The Orphanage
Pan's Labyrinth
(the Spanish gang one--a friend has this but I can't remember the name)
Persepolis
Let the Right One In


Nosferatu will also count as an older movie since it was made in 1922 and is a silent film. I have heard that it's really good and scary, though. I actually have it sitting on my DVR now along with The Mystery of the Wax Museum (1933) and Road Show. I will report back on all of these!

<input ... ></input><input ... >Since the question isn't showing up for me: Who is your oldest friend (i.e., the friend you have known the longest)? How often do you see or talk to each other? Do your close friends tend to stay the same year after year or change over time?

This is kind of hard to answer. It's one of two people but I don't know if one counts as a friend anymore. Hillary I met either freshmen or sophomore year of high school (which would make it 5 or 6 years), but we don't talk much anymore because we live super far apart now. So if not, then Stephanie. I've known her for about two years. We see each other a couple times a week and text just about every day. My close friends have been changing my entire life. I've moved a lot and it's hard keeping in touch with people (or the other person just doesn't care as much). So it's not so much by choice that they change. I want to keep a few for my whole life, though.

I'm on an icon frenzy.
Bill from True Blood and Darcy from Pride & Prejudice. :]]]

So I came across Nerve and IFC's 50 Greatest Sex Scenes in Cinema found here. I thought it was a cool idea, though it's probably been on VH1 or something, I don't know. That mixed with the fact that I became obsessed with "Top 5" lists after watching -- wait, what's that movie with John Cusack where he owns a record store and listens to obscure music and goes over his own top five lists? Well, I can't remember right now, but I'll insert it somewhere when it comes to me/when I google it.

The point is, I'd like to make my own list from the movies I've seen so far. I know what my number 1 is. Or at least, I think I do from what I've gone through in my head. It's definitely one of those top 5, bu--I just found my missing book sitting on the door shelves with my video games (what in the world? but yes! for finding it)--t I think I'll post my actual list later when I've had time to think about it, add a description and what-not.

I know I have a few friends on here, so if anyone wants to go ahead and share their top 5 list of cinema sex scenes, or perhaps a top 5 list for something else, or even suggest a top 5 list I could make, well then do it. Much appreciated.


(i need to find the picture i was using forever ago)

-sayanythinglisa

The movie I couldn't remember is High Fidelity and is actually on the list. As is another of my favorite movies, The Dreamers. <3

First, I'm looking for a song that I semi-remember, but it was popular when I was a kid and I can't remember enough to really find it and it's really frustrating.

Anyway. I just wanted to talk about love and family and whatever. I honestly don't think you can just unconditionally love your family. Who came up with that bullshit? You came from their bodies just like every other person in the world comes from someone else, but that doesn't mean you're born with some instinct to just love them. Like love is even real. It's all just chemical reactions but whatever, we won't get into that. I'm not a bitter hater that doesn't believe in love, I'm just saying.

I may only love one of my family members. There are several that I think are awesome and I'd love to love them, but I honestly am not close to ANY of my family members. I'm probably closest to my brother just because we're so alike, but really? We don't talk. I feel like I grew up in a very cold family because I'm not used to affection or even showing my emotions. I wish I could. I wish I could tell friends (yeahrightlikeIhaveany) that I love them, or even my parents (but it'd be a lie at this point) and I wish I could easily have physical contact with people. No one seems to have any urges to even hug me either, so I don't know. I can hardly express how I feel with most people. It takes a lot of time of talking and being together for me to get close. And guess what! Every person I've done that with has fucked me over.

This wasn't meant to turn out that way, or become some rant/emo post, but I'm just clarifying as I go over my points. But that actually brings me to something: how can someone say they love you; a family member, a significant other, et cetera, and then just leave you. Whether they walk out of your life forever, or they kill themselves, or something equally as permanent. I mean, really? That just seems like one of the hardest, worse things ever. It's happened to me, and I still can't believe it. I know there are plenty of people who've grown up without a parent, or either parent, and I guess some question why someone else committed an act that caused the death. Drunk drivers, murderers, you know. Life just really sucks sometimes.

My original point was that I don't see how you can automatically love someone just because they're your family. I have no foundation with my parents, no trust to build off of, I can't remember ever opening up to them. I remember trying to avoid them when I was crying as a little girl. Why? I honestly can't tell you because it was so long ago. And I guess they never tried to change me so I'm stuck this way. I changed once, with one person, of course that was one of the people that left me, so I wonder if it'll be even harder next time if that time comes.

I don't know. I'm kind of sad a lot. A whole lot. Like, to a really bad degree. I'm self destructive and reckless with emotions and obsessions but I want to be crazy and out going and loving and fun and affectionate.
I'm dying my hair blonde. (:

heyheyy.
I'm Lisa. I'm 19, living in metro Atlanta, Georgia.

This is my Friday, June 26th--filled with moving, nothing, and a pretty cool concert. enjoy.
51 pics total.




( My Day )